Well holy hairy hoochie! Here I sit at an airport once
again. By my calculations I have flown just under 17,500 miles in the last 7
weeks, with another 12,650 miles to go. Yes sir ree Bob! I am racking up the
sky miles! With jumping on a plane every weekend I am now a certified TSA
security screening and ticketing aficionado. Which may be a slight stretch
since according to the definition I would also be enthusiastic about said
activities. Which I am NOT. Sorry but there is no love lost for all the love
TSA shows one while traveling. I have been groped, poked, roped and stoked,
along with x-rayed and displayed more than I care to be while being sober.
I must say that
despite all the hectic traveling, I have thoroughly enjoyed my vacation. It has
been absolutely wonderful getting to see most of my family and a lot of my
friends, even catching up with old friends. This trip was especially memorable
for several reasons. First I got to officiate the wedding of my sister and
witness her start the next chapter of her life with her best friend. I am
overwhelmed with joy for their family. I also, just last weekend watch my
eldest offspring walk across the stage at East Carolina University as she
graduated and received academic honors. That’s right, academic honors. Yep! I
have smart sperm.
It was also very
special to be able to spend thanksgiving with my family and attend many
Christmas gatherings as well. This is the first time I have been home for the
holidays in over 12 years. It was a little sad, as there are quite a few faces
missing from years past when I was here. But such is life. I am thankful for
the time I had with those still with us. We had an absolute blast just being
our normal dysfunctional family. When I say dysfunctional, that may be an
understatement. Nonetheless, we still love each other very much. Add in enough
alcohol and it’s a real party. Kinda reminds you of a Maury Povich episode….
After my
daughter’s graduation we threw her a party of course. It was tame, as it was mostly
family. Then we had an after party at a local bar, since she wanted to go out.
I mean you only graduate once right? Well that was a lot of fun and got
interesting real fast. Some drunk chic decided she was interested in Ashley’s
fiancé. That was a MISTAKE. As the oh so obvious ogling continued, Ash’s temper
rose. Once I noticed the thermal change in her face and the wafts of greyish
blue smoke seeping from her ears, I slid over to offer some good fatherly
advice. As she was standing there holding her beer, I said “just don’t use the
beer bottle. It’s too messy. Go for a rear naked choke. It’s much more quiet
and she’ll be out before any one notices” I mean a good father offers advice in
times like these right? Well Ash wasn’t having it. She looked me dead in in the
eye and said “Nope! I’m gonna fuck that bitches face up!” Well Semper Fi!!!
there’s my Marine. I am not sure if I was more proud or scared. I started to
calculate how many of us I could bail out. In all seriousness we diluted the
situation and saved a life that night.
As with any good
thing, my vacation has come to an end. Don’t get me wrong I am way past ready
to get back to my slice of paradise, especially warmer temperatures, but the
good byes always suck. The worst is my last night home, as I always have a
farewell dinner with my kiddos. They are certainly the hardest of the goodbyes.
I have been doing this for over 12 years now and no matter how many times you
do it; it still hurts worse than a Texas titty twister.
I am actually
finishing this up in Singapore, where I got delayed a day. That is okay by me.
I am now in a warm climate and back in my standard attire of flip flops and
tank tops! Plus, it gives me a chance to relax and start catching up on the 11
time zones I jumped. Not to mention get a few massages to straighten out my
wrecked back from all those hours on a plane. When I say wrecked, I mean like a
damn 72 car pile up on the freeway. As for the jet lag, that’s gonna take a
while to recover. For those of you that have experienced jet lag from a few
hours, imagine that times about 42. Yes, the demise to one’s internal clock
increases exponentially when you fly for two damnit days straight!
All in all, the
flights weren’t too bad. Just your typical minor turbulence. Once we were all
boarded in Detroit, ready to depart for Tokyo, we had a delay. They announced
that they realized that 4 people had not properly cleared immigration and had
to be removed from the flight, along with 8 pieces of luggage for them. Well
holy hell! I’m glad they weren’t carrying a bomb since they were so properly
screened!!! Way to go TSA! Wasting our hard earned tax dollars every day.
Speaking of TSA, I bought a TSA lock to put on my checked luggage so they could
search it if necessary. Well the bastards searched it and didn’t bother to put
the lock back on. What in the hell was the reason for me buying a TSA lock if
they were just gonna lose it? More of that great incompetence wasting our tax
dollars.
I will say that
Delta should really consider placing a size restriction on their flight
attendants. As in, one’s ass should not be allowed to be wider than the isle of
the plane! While I am not one to discriminate, I did NOT appreciate having my
shoulder so sexually harassed by the stewardess’ hips. I mean, if your job is
to walk up and down an airplane, your ass should be able to fit down the isle
without bumping and humping every poor soul in an isle seat. By the end of the
flight my left shoulder felt like it needed a cigarette, and an ice pack.
While we’re on the
subject of flight attendants, I do have a question. Now I have flown hundreds
of thousands of miles, all around the world, on numerous airlines and I have
yet to ever have a stewardess that looks like the gorgeous bombshells in the
movies. I mean never ever, never ever ever! Where do they get them from in the
movies? Obviously not the airlines. Further more, on all my many flights, I
have never had a hot single girl sit beside me either. I typically get someone
who needs two seats, has 4 days’ worth of nauseating BO or a case of severe
swamp ass, or a family of screaming kids. I never sit beside the cute little
hottie. Not even close, not ever, never ever! And that always happens in the
movies. I am beginning to think what happens in the movies is not real, and now
I am heart broken. That means the Avengers don’t exist. L
Now I’m gonna try
to get a few hours sleep before my body wakes up thinking it’s in a different
tome zone. Hopefully, I will be boarding that last plane to paradise tomorrow.
I am looking forward to getting back to my life, my work, my other family and
my normal routine. I bid you all farewell. Ormond out!!!
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