Whirlwind Tour

    Greetings fans! Yep all 2.5 of you. As a memory popped up on Facebook I was reminded that it had been a minute since I last wrote. Almost exactly two years according to my blog, and there’s good reason for it. Unfortunately, it’s not because Scarlett Johansson seduced me and swept me away to a private villa, It’s a thing called life. Well let me just tell you life can be a swift donkey kick in the gonads sometimes. But like most men do, after dropping to my knees, crying like a ten-year-old girl and feeling extremely nauseous, I got back up again.

    As some of you may recall, when I last wrote we had just moved to Chattanooga to be closer to family. That’s when the foul smelling fecal mater began to hit the big ass fan, slinging crap everywhere. Long story short 2015 was the worst damn year of my life. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Well then I should be able to beat Hercules and Zeus in a WWE cage match.  First of all, that wonderful new job at the fire department for that German car manufacturer turned out to be the worst damn job I have ever had in my entire life. From the swing shift hours and my body never knowing what time it was, to the mind numbingly boring job itself that’s only challenge was dealing with complete and utter idiots without throat punching them. Add to that the fact that we had five people die in the family, including my mom, grandmother, and father-in-law, and it was really shaping up to be the year from hell. I mean the damn Grimm Reaper was hanging out at my family reunions. Then as the holidays neared, my wife had an epiphany that she no longer wanted to be married anymore. Yep, didn’t see that coming either. But its ok, everything turned out for the better. And I do mean everything!!!

    While living in the bible belt has its challenges, like say for instance if one wanted to get snot slinging, commode hugging, nekkid drunk on a Sunday it can be difficult, but it does have its perks. The great state of Tennessee at least has enough common sense to realize that if two people decide they don’t want to be married any longer, it does not take a flippin year of separation to figure out that’s what you still want. So lucky for me in 2 months’ time the divorce was final and I was on my way back to a global experience.

    I decided that if I wasn’t going to be playing the life of Ward Cleaver any more then I was gonna go back to contracting around the globe. Yep I had been bored out of my ever loving mind ever since I left Iraq back in 2009. I had not had a job that challenged me or helped me grow in anyway, and I was tired of small town America and its entitled, whiney ass culture. It was time to start living life to the fullest again, embracing it one adventure at a time.

    Before my divorce was even final I already had a job. Networking is where it’s at people. It’s all about who you know. I took a job as the Fire Chief of Training on a little slice of paradise in the middle of the Indian Ocean, called Diego Garcia. It’s a small Navy Base in the middle of nowhere. And when I say nowhere, I mean no damn where. We are about 2800 miles from the nearest land mass and it is wonderful. I can’t elaborate on what the purpose of the base is, because it’s need to know only and YOU don’t need to know. Besides if I told you then I’d have to kill you, and well…, that would just be messy and I don’t want to have to pull a Dexter and start dumping bodies into the ocean in garbage bags. 

    Let me just say that I thought Island life would be amazing. Well I was wrong, very wrong. Amazing does not even begin to describe it. It is far better than I ever imagined. I’ll admit the year round average temperature of about 88 degrees does have something to do with that. Do I miss winter? Hell no! I got enough winter in the five years I lived in Washington State to last me a life time.

   The Island has been great for me. At first it provided me a time to heal and find myself again. I had not been on my own in so long, I wasn’t sure what that looked like, but I figured it out. I found Ben again, and I actually like me. Yep, I’m Adorable!  Since I’ve been on the island it has literally been one adventure after the other. I have been introduced to many new things and am loving most of them. From paddle boarding to windsurfing and sailing, water recreation is where its at. Mix in jungle treks and random camping trips sleeping in a hammock under palm trees and life is grand. Not to mention the fishing is off the hook. (Pun Intended) Hands down the best fishing I have ever done. The only bad part is, whenever, IF ever, I leave this slice of coral, the fishing will all be down hill from here. I am certain it cannot get any better. I just wish I could get my dad out here to enjoy it too!

    To make island life even better, I have a fabulous job. One of the best ones I have ever had. I work with a great team of men and women from America, the Philippines, and England that all come together to form one great big family. They all work hard, supporting and encouraging one another. It is inspiring and I am blessed to be a part of it. Plus, the work itself is pretty dag burn cool. I get to teach, which I love to do, and most of the time it’s the cool stuff where we get to play, like high angle rope rescue or extrication.  I’ve also started preaching part time, about once a month or so. I was nervous at first as it all started out of the blue. But I figured I couldn’t say no to God, or at least I probably shouldn’t. I quickly realized it’s really just like teaching, just a different subject matter. I’ve found that I truly enjoy it and am honored to serve. I even got ordained….Yep Scary thought!

    As I sit here banging this out on the MacBook, I am actually kicked back on the beach in the Bahamas with the wind blowing my hair. Well ok, maybe not that last part. I am on vacation. Since my entire life is in paradise and pretty much a vacation, why do I need a vacation from vacation you may ask. Well I really don’t. It was more like I needed to see my family, not a break from paradise.

    We had a couple big life events happening in my family and I needed to be home for them. First my sister was marrying some knucklehead (love you Jeff) in early November, and I was fortunate enough to have the extreme honor of officiating the ceremony. On my way home I did stop and explore Singapore for 5 days and seek adventure in Indonesia for a couple days. Then it was off to North Carolina for the wedding.  My eldest daughter Ashley is also graduating from ECU next week. In between those two big deals I flew to Dallas for a week of training. That enabled my wonderful company to buy my plane ticket home. I also learned while there that I will never go back! Wayyyyyy too many people! Holy Sheep Shit Batman! Tons of people. Once class was finished I flew back home to spend Thanksgiving with the family and enjoy my kiddos. First time I’ve been home for the holidays in 12 years and it was fabulous. Next up was a flight to Chattanooga to spend a week with Hailey. We had a freaking blast camping out in the hotel and finding numerous ways to have an adventure. After a week with my favorite blondie, I jumped on a plane to the Bahamas. Basically I needed to get out of the country for a little while because I had worn out my welcome as far as Uncle Sam is concerned and I really didn’t want to pay taxes. Today I am flying back to NC for another week in NC enjoying my family and kids leading up to Ash’s graduation.

    So yes it has been a head spinning, whirlwind tour. I have literally been in a plane every dag damn weekend. In nine short days I will be on another plane, this time going back home to my slice of heaven. Although it will be a grueling 30+ hours of flying, that may entail lots of booze (just to help me sleep), it will be worth it. I am ready to go back, to get back to work, to get back to my normal routine, to get back to my other family. You see what most people don’t understand, once you leave America, the longer you stay out of it, the more you don’t like it. The majority of our society has become too spoiled, too entitled and too ungrateful and it infuriates me. But it’s more than that, even though I am home with my family, I am just a visitor. Everyone has work and school and life still going on and I don’t fit into that world. Don’t get me wrong, they all make me feel at home and welcomed, but living out of a bag doesn’t feel like home. I love my family dearly and have thoroughly enjoyed every minute with them, but I am ready to get back to normal, to get back home. The fact that it is freezing cold in North Carolina right now just makes me miss my tropics even more. I am way over due to be half nekkid on a beach!

    So as my whirlwind tour is winding down I will bid you farewell. I do enjoy writing and plan on doing this blog thing more often. Sorry this one was so long but I had two years to catch you up on. Now I’m gonna go jump on another plane and go freeze my arse off. Peace out Homies!

Travel Day 6 - No sunglasses required!

    Good morning, evening, or night! Whatever it is wherever you are right now. Hell, I don't even know what time zone I'm in. After 6 days of driving the only thing I am certain of is that I am still in the continental United States. That's only because I have not been on any extremely long bridges. Or maybe I was and I slept through it...

     So far so good and the best news is...only one more day to go! We should hit Chattanooga tomorrow early afternoon! We had a light day today with only 4.5 hrs of drive time. So I let the girls sleep in a little this morning and we took our time getting on the road. Part of that was also strategic so we wouldn't hit St. Louis lunchtime traffic. Plus the late start let the temps get up above freezing and the freezing rain warning end.

     We did start out with ugly gray skies and rain. Lots and Lots of rain. At times it was a pure toad strangler, but the roads weren't bad. It was just before having bad visibility. Fortunately after about 30 minutes the rain slowly dissipated away. I was briefly concerned when I started seeing a few snow flurries, but that never materialized into anything more. PHEEEWWWWWW! The rest of the drive was just over cast skies and pretty uneventful. Guess the day full of cloudy dark skies was to remind us of that state we left. Good bye Washington! Most importantly though, there was indeed a Starbucks within a mile of the hotel. So Bobbi got cafe-latte-frapu-wachamacallit-machino on board. No pouting required. As Uncle Si would say, she was Happy Happy Happy!

     We finished rolling through Missouri today and the beauty continued. More rolling hills, meadows, pristine farmland and just pure beauty! When I say rolling, I mean rollllllllllllllllllllling. The highways are one continuous up and down on long, slow, long, gradual, long hills. Did I mention they were long hills? Not good on a big truck. Felt like I was on a kid roller coaster. I also noticed several very old barns, typically sitting isolated off by them self. They sat half dilapidated, looking like something out of a painting, or where they hold the hostages in a movie. I couldn't help but wonder what intriguing stories those old relics could tell.  Hopefully none involving a chainsaw...

     Then we hit St. Louis. OH My Golly Goodness Gracious Holy Hell St. Louis. One word TRAFFIC! Now keep in mind I am a Pitt County boy and do NOT like traffic. However in my defense I have driven in some of the busiest cities in the world. I just don't like to. But diving that big ass box on wheels, pulling her car on a trailer behind it through St. Louis. Never again! I almost got taken out by another box truck, but thankfully God was watching over me. Now I just have to repair the seat from the hole I pinched in it.

     Next we rolled into Illinois which has more rollllllllling beauty, but not as much.  Honestly when we hit Illinois, all I could think about was Obama was from here and I threw up in my mouth a little bit. We are currently snuggled in at Mount Vernon IL. I have yet to see the Mount, just more rolling hills.

     On our drive today I did see several billboards advertising some interesting stores. I believe we were between Kansas City and St. Louis. One was for an Adult Super Store. I guess you can buy a super Adult there? I am not really sure. Apparently Super Adults are in high demand in that area because the next one was a couples Adult Super Store. I guess you can buy a matching pair there. Maybe a complete matching him and her set, or a him and him set or even a her and her set. Damn if I know. Guess whatever floats your boat, or whatever you can afford.

     One thing I have learned on this week of driving, there are two constants that will always happen. First, on the rare chance that I actually come up on a slower vehicle that I need to pass, there will absolutely be some peckerwood coming up on my six, passing me on my left so I have to break my cruise control and wait for them to pass me first. Second, every so often due to traffic, hills or differences in cruise control I will catch my wife. As I creep up on her tail, pushing closer and closer, trying my best not to break my cruise control, she absolutely will not notice me and speed up until AFTER I break my cruise control. Nothing against her, or her driving, that's just my luck. Or maybe she just likes me riding her ass....By the way, can you tell nothing irritates me more than breaking my cruise control.

     With all this driving and filling hours of boredom I had some serious things to ponder. For instance Spaz-O-matic Grizz. I call him that because he gets very excited. I mean very excited, like bouncing off the walls, like did you ever see the movie Flubber? Think bouncing rubber super ball in the form of a dog. He also has a very nervous bladder. Being a rescue dog we don't know his back story, but it doesn't take much excitement or fear and oh Spaz-O is pissing a trail of retreat. This got me to thinking....If Grizz was a rapper, what would his rapper name be? Grizz da Wizz, Master Pee, Sir Piss A Lot, Lil Dribble, Lil Wizz? Any of those would be fitting. Glad I could decipher that important issue in between my karaoke dance parties.

      I do want to share with you a game we played today. On occasion, rare occasion, I actually pass Bobbi on the highway. I don't know if it is the cruise not syncing, her not paying attention, or her feeling sorry for me. Anyway, today as I passed her I leaned forward, dropped my head down and stuck my right arm straight out, doing my best Super Man impersonation as I flew by her (It's an inside joke).  She then speeds up and as she passes by she is moving one arm over the other as if doing a free-style swim past me. Then as I pass her again I am pulling hand over hand like I am pulling myself up a rope. All the while we are both laughing hysterically.

     I Love that woman! I also love that we laugh so much together, and often times AT each other. My point being our house is always filled with laughter. Many kids across the world go to bed cowering under their covers, hiding from mommy and daddies yelling, screaming, and fighting. At our house, Hailey has to yell at us because our laughing is keeping her up. That's a good problem to have.

     Ok folks, the Ormond's are signing out. Tomorrow we will be HOME! Tennessee prepare yourself!!!

Travel Day 3 Amigos

     Deer. Oh Deer. Oh my Deer! No that is not a typo, and I don't mean my wife. I mean the 4 legged kind. Well most of them had 4 legs, or at least I am certain they started out with 4 legs. I had no iDeer there were so many different kinds of deer. Today we saw short deer, tall deer, round deer, flat deer, half deer, whole deer, splat deer, swole deer, rotten deer, bloated deer, eaten deer, exploded deer, disintegrated deer, and parts of deer. BUT no where along the way did we see a live deer. My point being, if YOU are a deer, do not live in or around the Utah/Wyoming region. It could be hazardous to your health.

     I will say this though, apparently those little prong horns are much smarter and/or faster than deer. We saw hundreds of those little miniature gazelle wannabe's and not no where did we ever see even part of one splattered down the high way. They also seem to be very sociable creatures. We often saw them hanging out with herds of horses and cows. Or maybe they are confused and having an identity crisis. Either way, much smarter than deer! and Grizz!...Spaz-O-matic!

     Today was a great and beautiful day for traveling. As we pulled out of Ogden Utah the sun had broken over the mountains and the sun was shining. I don't think I have ever seen bluer skies. Those deep blue skies stayed with us throughout the day, with the exception of a few stray cotton balls that floated by.

     After driving through Utah, I can certainly understand why people live there. Absolutely gorgeous!!! The entire trip we were enveloped in rolling hills, snow capped mountains, and jagged canyons.  All along the way the landscape was decorated with impressive and often massive rock formations. We saw ledges jutting out of canyon walls, boulders stacked in ways that only God could explain, and what I can only describe as stone statues that looked like they were extracted from straight down deep within the earth's core. It felt like I was driving straight through from one jig saw puzzle to the next. However WE could not live there because I never saw a Target or anything that even resembled a mall.

     Next up we crossed over into Wyoming. I think the Wy comes from Why in the hell would anybody live here. Miles and miles filled with acres and acres of pure vast nothingness. I promise you i am not exaggerating!  Definitely cowboy country. I think that's all that lives here 1 cow and a boy.

     Throughout the day along with the nothingness, God's canvas, and the road kill we did see numerous farms. Of course we saw many many more steak farms, as well as a few wool farms. I always wondered how they grew those socks. We also saw a few farms that raised cowboy transportation. Then in Wyoming there were plenty of tumbleweed farms. Felt like I was back in Moses Lake, only slightly more elevated. I also saw a horse that was lost. Or at least I am pretty sure he was lost. Miles and miles of nothing and 1 lone horse standing all alone. Or maybe he was just socially awkward. I have worked with a few people like that.

     I also learned that in Wyoming the fence builders don't know how to build corners. Miles and miles or straight fences lined up, one behind the other, and none of them connected. No wonder so many deer get hit. The fences don't connect to keep them in. Duhhhhhhh!

     As for the dogs... Well they are actually getting better. Are they annoying? Yes! But then again they are breathing. I do think they are getting the hang of this traveling. Or maybe we humans are just getting the hang of traveling with dogs. Ol' Spaz-O-matic Griz has not peed the floor today, but the night is young. I do think he is getting a little more nervous than normal because he knows we hit Nebraska tomorrow. Just saying...I am sure there are some wide open corn fields he would love to explore.  Hailey said I couldn't leave him. My response was between Grizz, Shelby and her, one of them wasn't making it out of Nebraska.

     At the end of the day I have learned you just have to prepare properly for a road trip with  my family. The first thing you must pack is your sense of humor and leave your sense of urgency behind. I mean only while traveling with my wife and daughter do you stop for a potty break 15 minutes before you reach the hotel. Really?!?!? Final destination in sight, but wait let's first stop and explore another grimy, grungy public potty and buy one more souvenir.

     Seriously though, we are all doing well and making great time. No rush, no stress (well not much) and cooperative weather. Tomorrow we head out rolling towards Grand Island Nebraska. Watch out Grizz...

Farewell Moses Lake - Day Two of Travel

     Yep! You can guess why there was no Day One of travel on the blog. We barely survived it. Ha! No actually it wasn't that bad, just a long, long day! Before we could hit the road yesterday morning we had to go back to the house and do a final cleaning, wipe down, vacuum, spot scrub, throw out the trash and every damn thing else we didn't have time to do on Thursday. I tried to "forget" the dogs, but that didn't work...

     First of all I want to start with my farewell. In the last 5 years we have been blessed to meet some truly amazing people. God has put some wonderful people in our lives and they ALL helped us grow in their own way. Some from their pure heart and overwhelming desire to serve God, and, well, let's just say others helped us by showing us what not to do! But such is life...

     It has been a very emotionally draining past couple of weeks. The reality of the move crept in, actually it jumped Slam, Damn, in. I swear it seemed like we were 2 weeks out from the move for a month, and then BAMMM! All of a sudden we were at T-minus 2 days and counting. So along with making the mad dash of  final packing/loading we shared many tear filled good byes. Again we were so blessed to share so many farewell meals with our friends. We have cried more in the last 2 weeks than we did when we first rolled into town and saw Moses Lake for the first time. Sorry to those of you we missed.There just simply was not enough time.

     As many bad jokes as there are about Moses "Hole" and how there's no reason to go there, I can say this. My family and I are better people for having lived there. The relationships we built and friendships we made will last us a life time. We got to meet and work with some amazing folks. SO MANY people showed us, NOT told us how to live a Godly life, and for that we will be forever grateful. In our time here both my daughters and I were baptized, and my wife dedicated her life to the Lord. The spiritual growth I have witnessed in my house makes me a very happy man.

     Moving all the way out here, 3000 miles from home, was the best thing that ever happened to us. Being newly married it allowed us to focus on us. We had to learn to depend on each other, because we had no one else. There was no running to momma's house because one of was mad. We had no where to go, so we had to stick it out and work it out. With me just home from Iraq, we had to learn how to exist together. Hell for that matter I had to learn just how to exist in civilian life without things going BOOM! But most importantly, we got to learn who "WE" were and how to be "US" without the best intentions of nosy family members putting their two cents in.

     So to ALL our friends, family, and acquaintances, we leave behind in Moses Lake, we bid you farewell. Thank you all for your input in our lives no matter how big or small. May you each find God's presence in your life every day!

     Now onto the travel... So far we have survived and no one has killed anybody! So that is a win in itself.  It has been a pretty good first two days. Thankfully the weather, although a little rainy and foggy at times, has remained above freezing. and that is a GOOD thing!!! The rain and clouds parted late this morning and we had beautiful sun shiny skies for most of today. No chance of meatballs here.

     As I currently type this, Grizz is passed out on the bed beside me, while Shelby walks around still exploring the hotel room and barking at apparently nothing. The girls on the other hand are down enjoying the indoor pool. Daddy got dog sitting duty and that's okay. Hailey has done extremely well on the trip and deserves a dip in the chlorine bath.

     Everyone has done pretty well so far. Sure we have all been over tired, (well not me. supposedly someone was snoring and kept my wife up the first night) and a little stressed so there has been some minor irritation, but no talk of murder, divorce or abandonment. Okay, so I take that back. I have seen a few cornfields and canyons where I would like to have "forgotten" a dog or two, but then we would have to bring up the other word, divorce. SO alas, the dogs are still with us. This is our very first time traveling with dogs, and well it just adds to this wonderful adventure! Absolutely NO sarcasm there!

     So, traveling with dogs...Did I mention that I wanted to leave them somewhere? In case I didn't mention I'd like to leave them somewhere, I'd like to leave them somewhere, especially spaz-O-matic Grizz. Holy Sheep Shit Batman, he is high strung and nervous. If he were to "accidentally" get lost in some cornfield in Nebraska, I would really, truly, hate it. Then again I don't know if I can wait that long. That's still several days out. Now I understand how Clark Griswald "forgot" that he tied the dog to the bumper. Genius idea! Seriously they are both doing pretty good. They just naturally have plenty of pent up energy when we hit the hotel after being in their crates in the jeep all day. Shelby did puke in her crate twice, but she ate it so there was no mess to clean up. Yes you read that right. And Grizz, oh Grizz, he has peed in the hotel floor more times than I can count already, along with pissing the bed. Sorry hotel staff we had a bed wetter. What can I say he has a very very nervous bladder. So right now I ask that you stop reading this and say a prayer for us all to have patience.

      On our first day we made it to Boise, ID then pushed down to near Salt Lake City today. What a beautiful drive! I know where we are moving to in Chattanooga has been called God's country, but let me just say that God's country is scattered all over this giant globe. He has blessed us with so many breathtaking landscapes with beauty that escapes the imagination. Just outside our window now are jagged mountain peaks that look like their tips have been drizzled in marshmallow and covered in pine sprinkles.

     We spent the majority of our day driving across southern Idaho. Beautiful mountains, rolling hills and rugged canyons. We also saw lots and lots and lots of steak farms. So now I know where they grow steaks. For a while I thought we made a wrong turn and ended up in Montana. We also saw a real, live cattle drive. That is opposed to a fake dead one. There were cowboys on horses and they even had one of them there little cattle dogs.

     I will say that southern Idaho is not wild animal friendly. In fact, If you are a wild animal reading this I would suggest you never go there. Or if you do, stay away from the highway! I have seen enough roadkill today to feed the entire state of Delaware. Or better yet the state of Idaho. They really have no excuse for not feeding the homeless, needy and or school kids.

     So now we just finished feeding our faces some delicious pot roast. Hip Hip Hurray for NO fast food. Now it's time to get these doggies fed and take them out, AGAIN! Tomorrow we are off to Cheyenne Wyoming!

For now the Ormond's are signing out somewhere in Utah!